i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
