He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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