Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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