Capitaan dildo arrescate!
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
