the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Randomize
