The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
