There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
