Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
