Do you still have your period?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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