i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I pour the whiskey from now on
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
