wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
