I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
