I hate your face
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
