My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
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I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
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Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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