Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
