I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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