You just made me feel so damn special
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
smell my finger.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
