it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
