My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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