I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Green mimosas i think yes
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
