3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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