I'm drive I can fine osifer
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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