he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
