Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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