there's paper in my vomit.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
