running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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