I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
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He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
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I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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