if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
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Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize