i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
