I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
