i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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