It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
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I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
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Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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