Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
