oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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