Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
