can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
