I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
