I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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