My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
