I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
