My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Well I just put wine in my tea
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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