his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
