I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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