best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
