Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
They took my balls.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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