Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
