When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
