Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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