hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
