She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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