READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
