I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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