Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
