Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
