grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm sobbing to NWA
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
