Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
smell my finger.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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