Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
