Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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