can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I have post one night stand depression
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