My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
