you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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