My Higher Power is John Stamos
I met the friendliest cop last night
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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