Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
